the so called friends...

I used to hate the person who’d yell the ‘F’ words at me. (you know…fairy, fem, faggot…)


I’d make damn sure they saw me look at them. Who knows what they thought? All they really cared about was that I was singled out as somehow different from them and those ‘F’ words covered all the bases. He/She is not me, and I didn’t belong. That’s all that mattered.

As time went on in middle/high school, I learned to hate the friends who stood around the person who yelled the ‘F’ word. Their condescending stares of disgust…learing at my every reaction to their friend’s call out, then the turn and huddle as they dissect my every move.

These people…excuse me, those condescending eyes passing judgment without jury…were more dishonest, more terrifying, more inflicting. The person who shouts it out, to a certain degree, is honest about their feelings. But the circle of ‘friends’ around him/her…they’re the ones to look out for.

7th Grade English Class...

7th Grade English class – the class was at the end of the day.


Every year, there was a spelling bee. Every year, we all competed. The line was down to 3 students, including me. The teacher, looked at his sheet of words, got an evil smile on his face, looked at me, and said, “Masculine”.

The entire class erupted with laughter, including the teacher. I stood there, glaring at everyone individually. Some tried to cover their face, some looked away, some kept looking right at me – including the teacher.

I said, “What’s so funny?” No one stopped laughing. The teacher looked back at me and I asked, “What’s so funny?!” Some laughter died down, but the teacher just said, “Just spell the word.” I did. It was correct. We moved on.

The next day, we had another contest. He did it again. No one laughed that day. I spelled the word correctly again, but added, “Your little joke wasn’t funny today, huh?”

At High School Graduation...

I looked around at all my classmates on the night of my high school graduation. During one of the speeches, that seemed to go on longer than it really needed to be, I realized something.


I don’t have to see any of these people ever again.

Suddenly, a wave of happiness came over me, with this realization. I never have to walk in the war zone that was middle/high school ever again.

I don’t have to be stared at with their homophobic gaze. I don’t have to be whispered about. I don’t have to objectified and speculated about.

I’m free to be…

I may appear smiling...

I may appear smiling, with no clue to the world. But don’t let that fool you.
Because you don’t know what’s going on in my mind.
Straight people are all “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

My life doesn’t revolve around spouses, soccer practice or other kid drama, but it’s still important.
I do more than work…really.
You can ask me about, I’d really like it if you do.
I’d like to talk about all the things you can’t do because your heterosexual lifestyle doesn’t permit itself to let you do.

After all, you all subject me to yourself to your heterosexual bullshit…how about some of mine?

I have to proceed with caution when the laws of attraction come into play.
As I wonder, “Is he really attracted to me?” I also have to add, “Or is he lost in his straight guy world?”
I mean, does he have a clue what he’s doing? Is he flirting with me, or just playing with my mind?
If I ask, will he feel threatened? Will I be hit?
If he asks, is he joking? Will he humiliate me in front of people?

And what if a straight woman is attracted to me and I say no. I’m gay, sorry not interested.
Will she persist, convinced all I need is a good fuck from the right woman to cure me of my problem?
Will she treat me like every gay hairdresser, gay interior decorator, or gay friend a straight woman has on every television program she’s ever seen…like a lap dog?
Will she politely go away or assume I want to be the Will to her Grace?

And what if I have an actual life, and am asked about it…will they realize I’m just as human as they are?
With real feelings, emotions, thoughts and desires…just like them? Would their world shatter if they realized…I’m just like them?
Could they still hold their right-wing, conservative, homophobic values if they realized…I’m just like them?

Or would they spontaneously combust on their own ignorance and hate, like time bombs?