Saturday, October 12, 2013

The night of August 11th...

The second shower only gives way to more heat leaving my body. Only in stillness, does comfort wash over me.

I wish for regeneration.
New limitations.
New perimeters.
Different problems.
An escape from the ordinary, really.

Like when we were kids in grade school, at recess time.
For 15 minutes, we weren't students but astronauts from the Planet of the Apes, or Kung Fu masters.

But then, that damn bell would ring telling us recess was over and we'd have to go back to being students again.

But now recess is our dream state and the alarm clock tells us when recess is over.
The headphones are on.
The alarm is set.
It's time for recess.

...just a wren in a shrub, right?...

The wren, once trapped on St. Stephen's Day, flies to a nearby shrub.

Everyone wonders why the wren didn't fly farther?

The wren went from shrub to shrub to small tree...why not farther away fast?

Maybe the wren needed to know its readiness to fly first?

Once the wren knows it's ready to fly and where it wants to fly to, everywhere is possible.

Until then, the wren travels to the next shrub collecting courage and dreaming possibilities...

...speaking words of wisdom, let it be...

Others talk of their ride on the roller coaster, while others perform the trapeze. They like their thrill for the moment. The undeniable risk they take motivates from inside out, pushing the perimeter, rise or fall, catch or slip, twist or turn.

When will I take the next leap, they ask if I'm in their orbit even momentarily.
When the earth energy guides me away, letting me know where when and how to proceed. Energy needs cultivation, storage and protection for potential...all before kinetic flows out and away.

Grounding is healing. Sandalwood, green tea, deep diaphragmic breaths, singing bowls, chimes, universal love...let me feel the sun on my chakras, the cool air travel east to west around me, the absolute stillness from within and around...let me connect with Earth's vibrations...let me find purpose and inner meaning again...let me enjoy your kinetic energy...let me be...

All it took was a single moment...

All it took was a single moment.
While other performers chose overwrought theatrics, she took a different approach. The stage was set with a white baby grand piano and she entered the stage in her true fashion. Wavy long blond hair and light blue off the shoulder cocktail dress with pumps that make her 5' 7" frame appear more statuesque. She played the opening chords of her multi-nominated song to the hush of the audience. Her trademark white soul voice this time was softer, as to not overpower the delicate piano arrangement she played. The camera focused on her intricate fingering or on her face singing in the microphone. She appeared transfixed on a point in the distance which appeared she was lost in the song's world. At this moment, all the audience, of her peers no less, could do is listen and watch in awe. They knew this moment would be one of the Grammy's most memorable performances.
The last note was sung. The last note was played. She sat at the piano, completely vulnerable, as the audience stood up and applauded. The night's telecast's finest moment certainly eclipsed the previous awards she won that night. What mattered to her at that given moment was her husband and stepson in the audience, beaming with joy and pride. Everything else was icing on the cake...and the Record of the Year Grammy she won soon after, was really nothing more than a flower decoration.

what doesn't kill you...

...makes you stronger.
Does it?
Doesn't it paralyze you for a short period of time?
Make time travel slowly so all your thoughts happen at warp speed so you don't know what to think at any given point?
Doesn't it make you remember all the times you were happy coincide with all the times you wonder how you got into the situation in the first place?
Doesn't panic kick in, and hyperventialtion follow?
Aren't you reminded of places and times you'd wish you could have all over again, if for only the opportunity to be with all those people again...not necessarily the place?  
Will the poison that didn't kill you ever wear off?
And how the *#$#%Y does it make you stronger?
Does the strength come from "Don't touch that poison"?
Piss on all of it for now...I need Earl Grey and cello music...

a small wish...

Notice me.
Understand me.
Appreciate me.
Involve me.

Share with me.
Talk with me.
Taste me.

Touch me gently on the cheek.
Put your arm around me.
Kiss me softly on the forehead.

Make me lose all sense of time.
Promise me no one else matters
Invite me on the journey where we spend the rest of our lives together...

And I'll do the same for you and then some.

What makes sense at this moment...

 Moments like these are when the strong feel weak. Order becomes chaos. Overcome with emptiness, loneliness, disquieting numbness.

Shock still hasn't worn off. I'm more afraid of feeling. That's when everything will collide, then collapse...when the shock wares off.

Until then, you're strong, brave, and in control. It's my turn to hold them tight and tell them they're okay. Nothing will harm you, you're safe.

And suddenly, their need reminds you of all you feared is never really lost.